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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/22860877">Times</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Duvrangrgata/pseuds/Duvrangrgata'>Duvrangrgata</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Merlin (TV)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Arthur - Freeform, Gen, Loneliness, Merlin - Freeform, Merlin Waiting for Arthur Pendragon's Return (Merlin), Merlin is heartbroken, Old Age, Post Series, Post canon, Sad, Songfic, bring a tissue, can be read as merthur or not</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-02-23</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-02-23</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-01 05:40:57</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,212</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/22860877</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Duvrangrgata/pseuds/Duvrangrgata</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>For a while, after leaving behind the boat that carried Arthur’s body, Merlin walked. He didn’t know why he did it or where he was going, he only knew that he couldn’t stop. In a way, he never did.<br/>The warlock knew that he couldn’t go back to Camelot without Arthur, not even for Gaius, or Gwen. So he walked and walked, for days and weeks and, after a while, centuries. <br/></p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Merlin &amp; Arthur Pendragon (Merlin)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>15</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Times</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Read while listening to this pls https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o1ecNbB2nls</p>
<p> </p>
<p>English is not my first language, so there might be some mistakes (probably the verbs), so be aware!</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p class="p2">
  <em>I know I need You</em>
</p>
<p class="p2">
  <em>I need to love You</em>
</p>
<p class="p3">
  <span class="s1"> <em>I'd love to see You </em> </span>
</p>
<p class="p3">
  <span class="s1"> <em>but it's been so long</em> </span>
</p>
<p class="p3"> </p>
<p class="p3">
  <span class="s1">For a while, after leaving behind the boat that carried Arthur’s body, Merlin walked. He didn’t know why he did it or where he was going, he only knew that he couldn’t stop. In a way, he never did. The warlock knew that he couldn’t go back to Camelot without Arthur, not even for Gaius, or Gwen. So he walked and walked, for days and weeks and, after a while, centuries. </span>
</p>
<p class="p3"> </p>
<p class="p3">
  <span class="s1"> <em>I long to feel You</em> </span>
</p>
<p class="p3">
  <span class="s1"> <em>I feel this need for You</em> </span>
</p>
<p class="p3">
  <span class="s1"> <em>I need to hear You</em> </span>
</p>
<p class="p3">
  <span class="s1"> <em>Is that so wrong</em> </span>
</p>
<p class="p2"> </p>
<p class="p3">
  <span class="s1">He travelled all over the world, but he always ended up back to Avalon, the place where he had left a piece of his heart like he was the tide and Arthur the moon who always pulled Merlin towards him, no matter how far the warlock went. It was something he couldn’t or wouldn’t stop, the never-ending waiting that was wearing him thin.</span>
</p>
<p class="p3"> </p>
<p class="p3">
  <span class="s1"> <em>Now You pull me near You</em> </span>
</p>
<p class="p3">
  <span class="s1"> <em>When we're close I fear You</em> </span>
</p>
<p class="p3">
  <span class="s1"> <em>Still I'm afraid to tell you all that I've done</em> </span>
</p>
<p class="p2"> </p>
<p class="p3">
  <span class="s1">Even after all that time, Merlin still thought about all the things he had done for Arthur, especially about how he had never had the chance to tell him about them. There had always been a part of himself that Merlin had to keep from his friend, for his own good, but he had always wondered how the king would have reacted to the whole truth. Despite his parting words, Merlin wasn’t sure he would have understood.</span>
</p>
<p class="p3"> </p>
<p class="p3">
  <span class="s1"> <em>Are You done forgiving</em> </span>
</p>
<p class="p3">
  <span class="s1"> <em>Or can You look past my pretending, Lord</em> </span>
</p>
<p class="p3">
  <span class="s1"> <em>I'm so tired of defending what I've become</em> </span>
</p>
<p class="p3">
  <span class="s1"> <em>What have I become</em> </span>
</p>
<p class="p2"> </p>
<p class="p3">
  <span class="s1">He was old now and tired but, worst of all, Merlin was hopeless. The loneliness of time had erased everything but his memories. Some days, he almost wished they were gone too. Like Arthur was.</span>
</p>
<p class="p3">
  <span class="s1">Kilgarrah had called Arthur the one and feature king, and Merlin had believed it, with all of himself, but not anymore. </span>
</p>
<p class="p3">
  <span class="s1">Then why was he still there?</span>
</p>
<p class="p2"> </p>
<p class="p3">
  <span class="s1"> <em>I hear You say</em> </span>
</p>
<p class="p3">
  <span class="s1"> <em>My love is over</em> </span>
</p>
<p class="p3">
  <span class="s1"> <em>It's underneath</em> </span>
</p>
<p class="p3">
  <span class="s1"> <em>It's inside</em> </span>
</p>
<p class="p3">
  <span class="s1"> <em>It's in between</em> </span>
</p>
<p class="p2"> </p>
<p class="p3">
  <span class="s1">He glanced at the water before him, not able to bring himself to look at the isle of Avalon on the other side. How many times had he dreamed about seeing Arthur emerging from the fog, still young and brave like the day he died? Too many to count. He wondered what his king would have thought upon seeing him, old and wrinkled, the weight of his own bones bringing him down.</span>
</p>
<p class="p2"> </p>
<p class="p3">
  <span class="s1"> <em>The times that you doubt me</em> </span>
</p>
<p class="p3">
  <span class="s1"> <em>When you can't feel</em> </span>
</p>
<p class="p3">
  <span class="s1"> <em>The times that you question</em> </span>
</p>
<p class="p3">
  <span class="s1"> <em>Is this for real</em> </span>
</p>
<p class="p2"> </p>
<p class="p3">
  <span class="s1">Merlin closed his eyes, letting himself pretend, just for a second, that Arthur was there, standing in front of him, looking like the day they met, all those centuries ago, when neither of them knew. When they were just a prince and a young boy, two worlds apart, but already two sides of the same coin. Merlin chuckled, thinking about how angry he had been at the dragon and his mother’s words. </span>
</p>
<p class="p2"> </p>
<p class="p3">
  <span class="s1"> <em>The times you're broken</em> </span>
</p>
<p class="p3">
  <span class="s1"> <em>The times that you mend</em> </span>
</p>
<p class="p3">
  <span class="s1"> <em>The times you hate me</em> </span>
</p>
<p class="p3">
  <span class="s1"> <em>And the times that you bend</em> </span>
</p>
<p class="p2"> </p>
<p class="p3">
  <span class="s1">He had loved his time in Camelot and still thought about all he had lost and left behind. A part of him had questioned his choice, but another, bigger one knew that there had never been a choice in the first place. There was no Camelot without Arthur, not for him, even if he had helped to build the kingdom as much as the king had. </span>
</p>
<p class="p2"> </p>
<p class="p3">
  <span class="s1"> <em>I hear You say</em> </span>
</p>
<p class="p3">
  <span class="s1"> <em>My love is over</em> </span>
</p>
<p class="p3">
  <span class="s1"> <em>It's underneath</em> </span>
</p>
<p class="p3">
  <span class="s1"> <em>It's inside</em> </span>
</p>
<p class="p3">
  <span class="s1"> <em>It's in between</em> </span>
</p>
<p class="p2"> </p>
<p class="p3">
  <span class="s1">He had spent a long time mulling over the events that had brought to Arthur’s demise and he always came back to the same thing.</span>
</p>
<p class="p3">
  <span class="s1">Mordred.</span>
</p>
<p class="p2"> </p>
<p class="p3">
  <span class="s1"> <em>The times that you're healing</em> </span>
</p>
<p class="p3">
  <span class="s1"> <em>And when your heart breaks</em> </span>
</p>
<p class="p3">
  <span class="s1"> <em>The times that you feel like you've fallen from grace</em> </span>
</p>
<p class="p2"> </p>
<p class="p3">
  <span class="s1">Merlin knew that there was no one to blame but him for what had happened between the druid and Arthur. He had been so worried about stopping him, that he had never considered the possibility that Mordred hadn’t even started his journey against the king yet. He had told Arthur that there was no place for magic in Camelot because he knew he had to put the king’s life over his own desires, and that had ruined everything. Had Merlin’s behaviour created a self-fulfilling prophecy? If so, had it been the same with Morgana? Would Arthur still be alive if he had told her the truth about himself when she first manifested her powers? What if he had treated Mordred differently? </span>
</p>
<p class="p3">
  <span class="s1">And the most important question of all: what if he had told Arthur earlier about his magic? Would it have changed something, or would he have ended up still standing there, alone, waiting for something that might never come?</span>
</p>
<p class="p2"> </p>
<p class="p3">
  <span class="s1"> <em>The times you're hurting</em> </span>
</p>
<p class="p3">
  <span class="s1"> <em>The times that you heal</em> </span>
</p>
<p class="p3">
  <span class="s1"> <em>The times you go hungry and are tempted to steal<br/></em> </span>
</p>
<p class="p3"> </p>
<p class="p3">
  <span class="s1">Merlin knew there was no point in keep thinking about what-ifs. It didn’t work that away. The past couldn’t be changed, and the future… the future was a promise that Kilgarrah had made a long time ago and in which Merlin wasn’t sure he believed anymore.</span>
</p>
<p class="p2"> </p>
<p class="p3">
  <span class="s1"> <em>In times of confusion</em> </span>
</p>
<p class="p3">
  <span class="s1"> <em>In chaos and pain</em> </span>
</p>
<p class="p3">
  <span class="s1"> <em>I'm there in your sorrow under the weight of your shame</em> </span>
</p>
<p class="p2"> </p>
<p class="p3">
  <span class="s1">A part of him was ashamed that he didn’t believe in Arthur’s return, almost like it meant that he didn’t believe in him at all. That wasn’t the case. He had never believed in anyone more than he believed in Arthur, but time was unforgiving and he was so, so tired of waiting. </span>
</p>
<p class="p2"> </p>
<p class="p3">
  <span class="s1"> <em>I'm there through your heart-ache</em> </span>
</p>
<p class="p3">
  <span class="s1"> <em>I'm there in the storm</em> </span>
</p>
<p class="p3">
  <span class="s1"> <em>My love I will keep you by my power alone</em> </span>
</p>
<p class="p2"> </p>
<p class="p3">
  <span class="s1">And yet, he couldn’t stop coming back.</span>
</p>
<p class="p3">
  <span class="s1">He thought about Arthur’s last words to him, in the woods and at the clearing.<br/></span>
</p>
<p class="p3">
  <span class="s1">“I don’t want you to change… I want you… to always… be you.”</span>
</p>
<p class="p3">
  <span class="s1">“I want to say something I have never said to you before… thank you.”</span>
</p>
<p class="p2"> </p>
<p class="p3">
  <span class="s1">How many times had Merlin complained to Gaius about not being thanked for all the sacrifices he had to make? All he had ever wanted was to tell Arthur the truth, to show him that magic wasn’t evil, people were. And, above all, Merlin wanted Arthur to see him for who he really was.</span>
</p>
<p class="p2"> </p>
<p class="p3">
  <span class="s1"> <em>I don't care where you've fallen or where you have been</em> </span>
</p>
<p class="p3">
  <span class="s1"> <em>I'll never forsake you</em> </span>
</p>
<p class="p3">
  <span class="s1"> <em>My love never ends</em> </span>
</p>
<p class="p3">
  <span class="s1"> <em>It never ends</em> </span>
</p>
<p class="p2"> </p>
<p class="p3">
  <span class="s1">And Arthur had. In the end, when it really had mattered, he had. It had meant the world to Merlin, in a way he hadn’t really been able to explain with words. </span>
</p>
<p class="p3">
  <span class="s1">So he had waited. For days and weeks and, after a while, centuries. </span>
</p>
<p class="p2"> </p>
<p class="p3">
  <span class="s1">Merlin looked at Avalon, smiling.</span>
</p>
<p class="p3">
  <span class="s1">And maybe one day, the fog will clear and Arthur will emerge, his blue eyes twinkling in the sun. He will ruffle Merlin’s hair like he used to and everything will be fine again.</span>
</p>
<p class="p3">
  <span class="s1">One day.</span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I finally completed an entire rewatch of Merlin, season 5 included. I'm not gonna lie, it hurt like the first time, hence this songfic. Hope you survive it and please let me know if you liked it!</p></blockquote></div></div>
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